Pilot [1.01]Edit
[First scene of the series, in 2030]
Future Ted: Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story, the story of how I met your mother.
Ted's Son: Are we being punished or something?
Future Ted: No.
Ted's Daughter: Dad, is this gonna take a while?
Future Ted: Yes. Twenty-five years ago, before I was Dad, I had this whole other life…
[Ted just saw Robin]
Future Ted: It was like something from an old movie, where the sailor sees the girl acr
oss the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, "See that girl? I'm gonna marry her someday."
Ted: Hey Barney, see that girl?
Barney: Oh yeeeahh, you just KNOW she likes it dirty. Go say 'Hi'.
Purple Giraffe [1.02]Edit
Lily: Hey. I'm just sitting here. Wearing my ring. My beautiful ring. Kinda makes wearing other stuff seem wrong. my shirt. Kinda don't wanna wear my shirt anymore. Or my underwear. Oh, that's right, I'm not wearing any.
Marshall: [stops working and looks at Lily] No underwear?
Lily: Not even slightly.
Ted:  [camera pans to reveal he is in the room with them] BOUNDARIES!
[Robin discovers why Ted threw three straight parties in as many nights]
Ted: Robin, look I didn’t invite you to this party to set you up with Carlos. Or the one before that. Or the one before that. [Robin smiles] I threw these parties because I wanted to see you.
Robin: Well, here I am.
sort something outTed: There’s something here, look, unless I’m crazy.
Robin: You’re not crazy. I—I don’t know, Ted, I mean we barely know each other and you’re looking at me with that look and it’s like—
Ted: Like what?
Robin: Like—let’s fall in love, and get married and have kids and drive them to soccer practice.
Ted: I’m not gonna force sports on them unless they’re interested.
Robin: [laughs] It’s a great look. But you’re looking at the wrong girl.
Ted: No, I’m not.
Robin: Yes, you are. I don’t wanna get married right now, maybe ever and if we got together I’d feel like I’d either have to marry you or break your heart and—I just couldn’t do either of those things. Just like you can’t turn off the way you feel.
Ted: [reaches in jacket] Click. Off. Let’s make out.
Robin: [laughs] What?
Ted: What? That was the off switch! And I turned it off. I mean sure yes, I wanna fall in love get married blah, blah, blah, but—on the other hand - you, me, the roof.
Robin: There’s no off switch.
Ted: There is an off switch… and it’s off.
Robin: [smiling] no, it’s not.
Ted: [silence] yes, it is. [draws closer to Ted]
Robin: No …it’s—not.
Ted: Yes—it is [long kiss with Robin] No it’s not. You’re right, there’s no off switch. God I wish there was an off switch!
Sweet Taste of Liberty [1.03]Edit
Ted: The truth is: My friend, he does this thing where he goes to airports with fake luggage to pick up girls and we followed some here to Philadelphia. That's it, that's all this is!
Airport Security Guard: Nobody's that lame.
Ted: Yes, he's that lame. [to Barney] Tell him you're that lame.
Barney: ...we are international businessmen!
Barney: [at a party] Do you ever go behind the rope and touch it?
Employee at Liberty Bell Site: Only all the time.
Barney: Do you ever like, stick your head inside it?
Employee: Yeah.
Barney: Have you ever licked it?
Employee: I have never licked it.
Barney: I bet nobody in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell. If someone were to pull that off, I daresay it would be - what's the word?
Ted: I'm leaving.
Barney: Legendary!
Return of the Shirt [1.04]Edit